maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
