My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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