Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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