Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
