We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize