handjob tips. give me some.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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