At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
