so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
