I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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