there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
