i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
