I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
