He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
