I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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