just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
