I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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