Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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