you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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