Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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