Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
