he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
