Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
