I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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