I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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