I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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