I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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