I'm gonna have a badass scar
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Randomize
