The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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