Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My balls are so social today.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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