Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
