i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
