if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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