Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
