I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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