I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
