you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
