i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
