Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
