I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
