Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
