he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
