Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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