i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
