I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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