my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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