My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize