If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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