Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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