I will die if light touches me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
