we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
