fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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