I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
