wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
