Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
