New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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