i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
