This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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