Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
