So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
