I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
