My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
